E13 - If You’re Going to Cosplay, Go All Out

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:04] Katsura
    Hello!
[00:06] Katsura
    It's Katsura.
[00:10] Katsura
    Nobody home? And time is of the essence.
[00:19] Katsura
    Ex-Excuse me... Is Mr. Gintoki home?
[00:24] Katsura
    Well, I brought some sweets as a token of... I'll just leave them here then.
[00:27] Katsura
    Enjoy.
SIGN    [The Odd Jobs Trio Goes Looking for a Missing Girl. Who is this mystery man, "Daraku"?]
SIGN    [Gin had too much to drink and has a hangover. It's a little more watery than usual, but...]
SIGN    ["If You're Going to Cosplay, Go All Out"]
[02:21] Father
    Well, it's not unlike her to disappear for two or three days in a row...
[02:25] Father
    but she's been missing a whole week.
[02:27] Father
    There's been no word from her, and I've asked her friends, but no one knows where she is.
[02:34] Shinpachi
    Pull yourself together.
[02:36] ---
    That's why I told you not to drink so much.
[02:39] Father
    I know it sounds odd for me, her father, to say this,
[02:42] Father
    but she's a beautiful girl, so I'm worried she's gotten mixed up in something dreadful.
[02:49] Gintoki
    Yes, I agree.
[02:50] Gintoki
    I'd say there's a good chance
[02:52] Gintoki
    she got caught up in some sorta huge ham-processing machine or something.
[02:56] Father
    No, that's not what I meant. I'm thinking she's caught up in some sort of trouble.
[03:01] Gintoki
    Trouble? Oh, like ham-processing trouble?
[03:04] Shinpachi
    Hey, that's enough already. Are trying to ruin this deal?
[03:10] Shinpachi
    But are you sure you want us to handle this?
[03:14] Shinpachi
    Sounds like a matter for the police.
[03:17] Father
    I can't afford a public scandal.
[03:20] Father
    Our family is of an ancient and honorable lineage
[03:22] Father
    that has served the Tokugawa Family since the time the Shogunate was formed.
[03:25] ---
    The entire clan will be shamed if it gets out that my precious darling
[03:28] ---
    is a club-hopping skank.
[03:30] Father
    Please, just bring her back home to me...and keep this quiet.
[03:40] Bird Alien
    Huh? Never seen her.
[03:44] Kagura
    Someone said she parties here all the time.
[03:46] Bird Alien
    Maybe that's what someone told you, young lady.
[03:49] Bird Alien
    But all Earthlings look alike to me!
[03:53] Bird Alien
    She got a name?
[03:54] Kagura
    Um...Ha...Hammy?
[03:57] Bird Alien
    That's a lie! You just made that up.
[04:00] Bird Alien
    Who would give their kid a crappy name like that?!
[04:03] Kagura
    I forgot her name, okay? It's something like that, I think.
[04:04] Bird Alien
    Hey! Are you messing with me?!
[04:08] Shinpachi
    Gin, we'll never finish this job if we leave it up to Kagura.
[04:13] Gintoki
    Yeah, whatever.
[04:15] Gintoki
    She's just some slut who's probably camping out some dude's house.
[04:19] Gintoki
    This is retarded.
[04:20] Gintoki
    I can't take this job seriously.
[04:23] Gintoki
    Let's buy a big ham and give it to her dad.
[04:25] Gintoki
    He'll never know the difference.
[04:26] Shinpachi
    There's no way you could do that!
[04:28] Shinpachi
    And how long are you going to keep milking that ham joke!
[04:32] Gintoki
    Sorry, but I've got a hangover and I feel like crap.
[04:36] Gintoki
    Just take care of it, will ya, Shin.
[04:38] Shinpachi
    Wait, Gin!
[04:41] Shinpachi
    Oh, I'm sorry.
[04:44] Daraku
    Kid, watch where you're going.
[04:51] Daraku
    You have the gall to walk around with dust on your shoulder.
[04:56] ---
    You oughta pay a bit more attention to your appearance.
[05:05] Shinpachi (M)
    Who was that guy?
[05:07] Kagura
    Shinpachi!
[05:09] Kagura
    I'm bo-red!  This fella looks kinda like her.  Let's use him.
[05:12] Shinpachi
    Sheesh, nobody is taking this job seriously!
[05:16] ---
    Anyway, there's no way you can pass this guy off as her!
[05:19] Shinpachi
    This isn't even a "Hammy." What you've got here, it's a "Ham-ilton"!
[05:22] Kagura
    Tsk, eat one ham, you've eaten them all. Shit!
[05:26] Shinpachi
    Hah? Going through a rebellious stage?
[05:29] Kagura
    Ham-man!
[05:31] Shinpachi
    Hey, don't waste a scene on a minor character!
[05:35] Kagura
    Ham-man, you drank too much.
[05:40] Shinpachi (M)
    This dude...he's not drunk.
[05:43] Bird Alien
    Okay, never mind, never mind.
[05:46] Bird Alien
    I'll take it from here. You people go away.
[05:49] Bird Alien
    Good grief. Everybody's gone shabu shabu on me, I swear.
[05:54] Shinpachi
    Shabu shabu?
[05:55] Kagura
    Isn't that that high-leg place?
[05:57] Bird Alien
    There's a new drug on the streets.
[06:02] Bird Alien
    Real nasty stuff I hear. Just say no, kids!
[06:08] Gintoki
    I'm never drinking again.
[06:11] Gintoki
    I always say that, but this time, I mean it...
[06:16] Gintoki
    Who should I swear to?
[06:17] Gintoki
    I'll swear to that hot weather girl.
[06:21] Gintoki
    Yes, I'm in here...
[06:23] Hamuko
    Give me the usual.
[06:25] Gintoki
    Huh?
[06:26] Hamuko
    I said hurry up and give me the usual stuff!
[06:28] ---
    I can't go on without it!
[06:32] Gintoki
    The...The usual stuff, you say?
[06:34] ---
    It's a little more watery than usual.
[06:36] Hamuko
    Don't jerk me around!
[06:38] ---
    I'm not welcome now that I'm broke?!
[06:41] ---
    Fine, be that way! I'll go to the cops.
[06:45] Gintoki
    Huh? Tell the cops? Hold on a minute.
[06:49] Gintoki
    Not that I care...But about what?
[06:53] Daraku
    Who the hell're you talking to, fool?
[06:56] Daraku
    I have no use for you anymore, piggy!
SIGN    Who the hell are you?
[07:11] Shinpachi
    Gin sure is taking long.
[07:13] Shinpachi
    I've got a bad feeling about this place...
[07:17] Shinpachi
    We should leave as soon as we can.
[07:19] Kagura
    I'll go find him.
[07:22] Heavily Bearded Alien
    Are you the jerks who've been snooping around here?
[07:26] Shinpachi
    Wh-Who are you guys?
[07:29] Namihei Cut Alien
    Don't play dumb with us.
[07:30] Namihei Cut Alien
    You've been pokin' your noses where they don't belong, haven't cha?
[07:35] Heavily Bearded Alien
    If you're so interested in our business, we'll show you
[07:38] Heavily Bearded Alien
    how frightening the Harusame space pirates can be!
[07:44] Hamuko
    Give it to me. Hurry!
[07:47] Gintoki
    Hammy!
[07:49] Gintoki
    Sorry about that.
[07:51] ---
    Of the all the men to get mixed up with...
[07:53] Gintoki
    you got caught up with the worst of them all.
[07:57] Octopus Alien
    Daraku, we've got a weird one here.
[08:00] Octopus Alien
    Whatta we do?
[08:02] ---
    Are you listening?
[08:03] Daraku
    Damn! Can't get it off.
[08:05] ---
    What're you going to do about this?!
[08:07] Daraku
    This jacket is tailored!
[08:08] ---
    How filthy! It's all sticky and won't come off!
[08:12] Octopus Alien
    Yo, Daraku, are you listening-
[08:16] Daraku
    I told you not to bother me when I'm grooming!
[08:20] ---
    If you've got a problem,
[08:22] Daraku
    just take care of it.
[08:24] Daraku
    Do it snappily and let's go back.
[08:26] ---
    There's a rerun of a show I want to watch tonight
[08:31] Gintoki
    Me, too...
[08:33] Daraku
    I'm not really a violent mysoginist.
[08:38] ---
    But there are three things I can't abide.
[08:41] Daraku
    1. People who interfere with my work.
[08:45] ---
    2. People who don't wash up after using the toilet.
[08:48] Daraku
    3. Scuzzy-looking people with naturally wavy hair.
[08:53] Daraku
    And you're...
[08:54] Daraku
    ...three for three, creep!
[08:56] Gintoki
    I'm honored.
[08:59] Gintoki
    While we're sharing,
[09:00] Gintoki
    how 'bout I tell you the three kinds of people I can't stand?
[09:03] Gintoki
    First!
[09:05] Gintoki
    Girls who get hysterical while preparing for school festivals!
[09:08] Gintoki
    Second!
[09:09] Gintoki
    Totally dumbass guys who take advantage of that and pretend to get all excited about festivals!
[09:14] Gintoki
    Third!
[09:16] Gintoki
    Teachers who smile and condescendingly embrace it all.
[09:22] Daraku
    In other words,
[09:24] Daraku
    you hate school festivals, right?
[09:27] ---
    You must've had an unhappy adolescence.
[09:29] Gintoki
    Better than yours.
[09:31] ---
    Aren't you a little old to be sneaking a puff in the john?
[09:37] Gintoki
    Of course, it seems you guys are into some serious poison.
[09:43] Gintoki
    Since you Amanto arrived, there've been a lot more dangerous things in the world.
[09:47] ---
    Can't have you pushing drugs on our kids.
[09:51] Daraku
    "Pushing"?
[09:53] ---
    Miss Piggy's the one who came running to me.
[09:56] ---
    I just gave her what she wanted, but she cried and made a scene.
[09:59] ---
    She was causing me trouble.
[10:01] Gintoki
    I see.
[10:03] ---
    I'm sorry this silly girl caused you trouble.
[10:05] ---
    I'll take her home and give her a good talking to!
[10:12] Gintoki
    Hey, hey. Are you all here to take a leak together?
[10:16] Gintoki
    There aren't enough toilets.
[10:18] Heavily Bearded Alien
    Hey, don't make this difficult.
[10:21] Gintoki
    Shinpachi! Kagura! Hey! What're they doing?!
[10:24] Gintoki
    Bastards! What did you do to them?!
[10:27] Daraku
    You disgust me.
[10:54] Daraku
    Dirty again. It's definitely ruined now.
[10:58] ---
    I'll just have to buy a new one.
[11:20] Gintoki
    Hang in there!
[11:22] Gintoki
    I won't let you die on me.
[11:24] Gintoki
    I'll get you through this, you'll see!
[11:27] Skull
    Get rid of it. Dump him.
[11:30] Skull
    He ain't gonna make it, anyway.
[11:32] Skull
    You don't have what it takes to rescue anyone.
[11:36] ---
    When have you ever managed to protect anything that really matters?
[11:41] Skull
    All you do is lash out at whatever's in front of you.
[11:45] Skull
    You slew them all, and what did that leave you?
[11:48] Skull
    Nothing but a mountain of corpses.
[11:51] ---
    You're powerless.
[11:52] Skull
    Just throw it all away. Take the easy road.
[11:56] Skull B
    There's nothing you can protect!
[12:10] Katsura
    It's unlike you to be having a nightmare.
[12:14] ---
    Dreaming about the past?
[12:16] Gintoki
    Zura? What the hell are you doing here?
[12:21] Gintoki
    I remember now!
[12:24] Katsura
    Better not strain yourself.
[12:26] ---
    You can't use your left arm, and I'm told you've broken several ribs.
[12:30] ---
    The other person is even worse.
[12:33] Katsura
    She looks okay on the outside. You broke her fall.
[12:36] Katsura
    But her entire body has been ravaged by drugs.
[12:39] ---
    She was lucky that she was treated quickly, but it's unclear whether she'll recover.
[12:44] Gintoki
    Stupid kid...
[12:46] Katsura
    But what were you doing in a dive like that?
[12:49] Gintoki
    Never mind that, how did you manage to save me?
[12:52] Gintoki
    Apologize for last time, you bastard.
[12:55] Katsura
    Speaking of which...
[12:56] Katsura
    ...are you familiar with this?
[12:59] Katsura
    It's an illegal drug called "Paradise" that's been going around lately.
[13:04] Katsura
    It's made from a flower that grows only on a remote planet.
[13:07] ---
    It's very addictive.
[13:09] Katsura
    And everyone who uses it without exception, meets a tragic end.
[13:16] Katsura
    The Anti-Amanto party is working on digging out this evil by its roots.
[13:20] ---
    So we're gathering information on it.
[13:23] Katsura
    That's apparently where you fell into all of this.
[13:27] Katsura
    Who knows what would have happened to you if my men hadn't found you.
[13:32] Katsura
    But what were you doing in a dive like that?
[13:35] Gintoki
    More importantly, who were those guys?
[13:37] Katsura
    The Harusame space pirates.
[13:40] ---
    They're the largest organized crime syndicate in the Milky Way.
[13:44] Katsura
    Their main source of income is profits from the sale of illegal drugs.
[13:49] Katsura
    The very tips of their tentacles have reached Earth.
[13:55] Katsura
    We can't rely on the government police. They're totally corrupted by the Amanto.
[13:59] ---
    We hoped we could do something on our own.
[14:02] Katsura
    They were able to corner even you.
[14:05] ---
    They seem to be a very formidable adversary.
[14:07] Katsura
    We might be acting prematurely.
[14:09] ---
    Hey.
[14:10] Katsura
    Are you listening?
[14:13] Gintoki
    They kidnapped my friends. I can't afford to rest and bide my time.
[14:16] Katsura
    You think you can beat them in your condition?
[14:20] Gintoki
    "A man's life is like traveling a long road with a load on his shoulders."
[14:25] Gintoki
    A long time ago, an old man named Nobuhide Tokugawa said that...
[14:29] Katsura
    Learn your history, retard! It was Lord Ieyasu. Lord Ieyasu!
[14:34] Gintoki
    The first time I heard that, I thought, what a lame thing to say,
[14:38] ---
    but what do you know, that old guy had a point.
[14:44] Gintoki
    It's not really a burden.
[14:46] ---
    Everyone's got both hands full of something that matters.
[14:49] ---
    You just don't realize it when you're carrying it.
[14:53] Gintoki
    It's only after it slips out of your hands that you realize how heavy it was in the first place.
[14:58] ---
    So many times, I thought I'd never carry a load like that ever again.
[15:01] ---
    And yet,
[15:03] Gintoki
    before I realized it, I was carrying it again.
[15:07] Gintoki
    I'd feel so much better if I just got rid of it.
[15:10] ---
    But I just can't bring myself to do it.
[15:14] Gintoki
    Without those guys, just walking around isn't fun anymore.
[15:20] Katsura
    I guess there's no point in arguing.
[15:22] Katsura
    I still owe you a favor from Ikedaya.
[15:25] ---
    Let's go.
[15:27] Katsura
    You can't carry that load with just one hand.
[15:30] ---
    Starting now, I'm your left arm.
[15:37] Shinpachi (M)
    Where is this place?
[15:40] Shinpachi (M)
    What am I doing right now?
[15:43] Frog Alien
    Are these the ones who were snooping around?
[15:47] Daraku
    Yeah.
[15:48] Daraku
    They were becoming a bit of a nuisance, so we set a trap.
[15:51] Daraku
    They fell right into it.
[15:54] Daraku
    They are most likely rebels who hate the Amanto.
[15:58] Frog Alien
    Ribbit. Ribbit.
[15:59] Daraku
    There was one other odd samurai,
[16:02] Daraku
    but we got rid of him together with a loud-mouthed customer.
[16:06] Frog Alien
    I told you not to attract too much attention.
[16:08] ---
    There's a limit to how much we can keep the government officials
[16:11] ---
    under control and have them look the other way.
[16:13] Daraku
    Yes, I understand.
[16:15] Daraku
    We are only able to do business thanks to your magnanimity, my lord.
[16:19] Frog Alien
    So, how're you going to dispose of these two?
[16:22] Daraku
    I'll get the location of their headquarters out of them, and destroy it.
[16:25] ---
    I don't want them interfering any further with our work.
[16:27] Frog Alien
    The leader is probably that man named Katsura.
[16:31] ---
    They're mad dogs that have even bared their teeth at the government.
[16:35] ---
    Don't take them lightly.
[16:37] Mohi Alien
    Daraku, a moment please?
[16:40] Mohi Alien
    There are some weirdos outside.
[16:42] Daraku
    Weirdos?
[16:44] ---
    You handle it. I'm busy right now.
[16:52] Sideburns Alien
    I'm telling you again...we don't need any of your crap!
[16:56] Gintoki
    Aw c'mon.
[16:58] Gintoki
    We want to become pirates, too.
[17:00] ---
    Take us with you.
[17:02] ---
    Ain't that right, Zura?
[17:03] Katsura
    It's not Zura. It's Captain Katsura.
[17:06] Gintoki
    Ever since we were little punk kids, we've dreamed of becoming pirates.
[17:11] Gintoki
    We wanna search for the lost treasure: "One Park."
[17:14] ---
    Right, Zura?
[17:15] Katsura
    It's not Zura. It's Captain Katsura.
[17:18] Sideburns Alien
    Never heard of it. Go find it yourselves.
[17:20] Gintoki
    Don't be like that. My hand's a hook.
[17:24] Gintoki
    I can only be a pirate or coat hanger.
[17:26] Sideburns Alien
    Whatever. You go be whatever you want to be.
[17:29] Sideburns Alien
    Anyway, go home
[17:31] ---
    This isn't a job fair.
[17:35] Gintoki
    At least give us an interview.
[17:37] Katsura
    See, we even brought our resumes.
[17:42] Elephant Alien
    Hey, are you awake, kid?
[17:44] Chin Alien
    Sleepy time's over!
[17:46] Chin Alien
    You're so young. Such a shame you got captured by pirates!
[17:52] Shinpachi
    Oh, that's right...
[17:54] ---
    I've been captured by pirates.
[18:00] Shinpachi
    Kagura!
[18:02] Daraku
    I hate filthy scum who interfere with my business.
[18:09] Daraku
    So now I want to clean out you pesky rats.
[18:12] ---
    Tell me where your nest is.
[18:14] ---
    If you try to hold out, she dies.
[18:18] Shinpachi
    What're you talking about?!
[18:19] Daraku
    Don't play dumb. We know you're a rebel.
[18:24] Back View Alien
    Tell us where your secret base of operations is!
[18:27] ---
    Where is that scum Katsura?!
[18:31] Shinpachi
    What're you guys talking about?!
[18:33] ---
    We're not exclusionist rebels, nor do we know where Katsura is!
[18:38] ---
    Let Kagura go! This is the land of the samurai!
[18:41] Shinpachi
    You guys get out!
[18:44] Daraku
    Samurai, you say? There's no such thing in this country.
[18:54] Shinpachi
    Kagura!
[18:55] Kagura
    Don't want to get in your way.
[18:58] Kagura
    Bye-bye.
[18:59] Gintoki
    Wait!
[19:01] Gintokigintoki
    Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
[19:12] Gintokigintoki
    Oww... My wound opened up.
[19:16] Gintoki
    Uh... Is this where the interview is being held?
[19:20] Gintoki
    Hello, I'm Gintoki Sakata. I'd like to try out for captain.
[19:25] Gintoki
    My hobby is eating sugar.
[19:27] Gintoki
    My special talent is being able to sleep with my eyes open.
[19:30] Shinpachi/Kagura
    Gin!
[19:31] Daraku
    You little bastard...still alive, eh?
[19:36] Daraku
    What the?!
[19:37] Goggle Alien
    Daraku! There was an explosion in the storeroom!
[19:41] Cat Alien
    The Paradises!
[19:44] Katsura
    My work here is done.
[19:47] Katsura
    You're up, Gintoki!
[19:50] ---
    Go ahead and trash the place to your heart's content.
[19:52] ---
    I'll take care of anybody who gets in your way.
[19:54] Daraku
    You're...Katsura!
[19:55] Katsura
    No!
[19:57] Katsura
    I'm Captain Katsura!
[20:02] Katsuragorilla Alien
    It's Katsura! Get him!
[20:04] ---
    Off with Katsura's head!
[20:08] Daraku
    You're finished now, bastards.
[20:10] ---
    You've made an enemy of the entire Harusame gang!
[20:13] Daraku
    Soon, Harusame from throughout the universe will come to kill you.
[20:19] Gintoki
    Yeah? So What? You won't be around to see it.
[20:22] Gintoki
    Listen... I don't care what you do somewhere else in the universe,
[20:27] Gintoki
    but anywhere within reach of my sword,
[20:32] Gintoki
    is my country!
[20:34] Gintoki
    Anyone who comes here and messes with my people
[20:37] Gintoki
    whether he's the Shogun, space pirates, a meteorite...
[20:43] Gintoki
    I'll cut 'em all down!
[20:56] Daraku
    You know...
[20:57] Daraku
    Bastard...you may not wash your hands in the bathroom,
[21:02] Daraku
    but you're pretty clean.
[21:18] Shinpachi
    Hoo, I'm beat. Everything's spinning. I can't even walk straight.
[21:22] Kagura
    I'm dizzy from too much sun.
[21:25] Kagura
    Carry me.
[21:26] Gintoki
    What're you complaining for, you little brats!
[21:28] ---
    Do you know who's the most exhausted?!
[21:31] ---
    I fought my way over here even though my body is a mess and I have a hangover!
[21:35] Shinpachi
    Both of us are woozy, too, you know!
[21:38] Kagura
    That's right! Boozy!
[21:41] Gintoki
    I can't stand you guys. I'm going on home.
[21:54] Gintoki
    Come on, knock it off already!
[21:56] ---
    Okay! Fine! You want me to carry you, I'll carry you! Your wish is my command!
[22:00] Gintoki
    What a miraculous recovery! Damn you!
[22:05] Kagura
    Gin, I feel like eating ramen.
[22:08] Shinpachi
    Sushi for me.
[22:10] Gintoki
    Stupid! You don't get that except on your birthday.
[22:15] Gintoki
    Man... You guys are heavy, dammit.
[22:20] Katsura
    Now that you've got them back, hold on tight.
[22:33] Father
    Kimiko... Kimiko!
[22:37] Father
    I'm so glad you're safe! Kimiko!
[22:41] Hamuko
    Hey, old man, wrong one!
[22:43] Gintoki
    I know how it is, pops. There are some things you never want people to see.
[22:48] Shinpachi
    No, it's like this because he can see those things.
SIGN    [Preview]
SIGN    This is Gintoki.
SIGN    The other day, I was chasing after a stray cat that stole my fish, naked.
SIGN    Everyone under the sun, even a little dog, was laughing.
[24:34] ---
    Anyway, the next episode:
[24:35] ---
    Three episodes including "Men Have ... snip
SIGN    ["You Only Gotta Wash Under Your Armpits - Just the Armpits", "Rough cooking style for men"]
SIGN    [Next time, we have 3 episodes like XXX-san. The revival of family-style animation?]
[24:49] Katsura
    It's not Zura. It's Captain Katsuuura, believe it!
[24:53] Katsura
    Did I mess up the punchline?