E129 - Beware of Food You Pick Up Off the Ground

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Please turn on the lights and keep your distance from the television when watching Gintama. You got thaaaat?!
[00:05] Narrator
    The Universe, vast and limitless, is filled with many life forms.
[00:16] Narrator
    As one star dies, another gives birth.
[00:20] ---
    The breath of the vast Universe is passed on from one life to another.
[00:24] ---
    A never-ending cycle.
[00:30] Narrator
    The mysteries of the vast Universe can never be completely revealed.
[00:46] Narrator
    At times, it can even bring upon horrific dangers that defy the human imagination.
SIGN    ["Beware of Food You Pick Up Off the Ground"]
[02:55] Kagura
    Hmm... He's not eating again.
[02:58] Kirara
    Gin, Sadaharu doesn't have an appetite lately.
[03:02] ---
    He's hardly eaten anything for two days.
[03:04] ---
    He might not be feeling well.
[03:06] Gintoki
    Maybe he's just on a diet.
[03:09] ---
    Males his age do silly things like that just so they can get girls.
[03:14] Kagura
    Sadaharu's not like that. He's the stoic type.
[03:17] Gintoki
    The last time you said that, he was aroused over some female dog, remember?
SIGN    [Odd Jobs Gin]
[03:22] Shinpachi
    But he usually eats a lot. I'm worried.
[03:25] ---
    Maybe we should take him to the hospital.
[03:28] Gintoki
    Leave him alone.
[03:29] ---
    He's tough. Sprinkle some salt for him to lick and he'll recover.
SIGN    [Kabukicho Animal Hospital]
[03:36] Doctor
    It seems there's a shadow in his stomach.
[03:38] Kagura
    Shadow? Is it something terrible?
[03:41] ---
    Who's behind this?
[03:42] ---
    Is it a shadow ninja, of the Tokugawa...or the Yagyu?
[03:45] Doctor
    No, not Tokugawa shadows. There's something in his stomach.
[03:49] Kagura
    Does he have an illness?!
[03:51] ---
    Is Sadaharu sick?!
[03:52] ---
    Will he recover?!
[03:53] ---
    He will recover, won't he?!
[03:55] Doctor
    Calm down.
[03:57] Doctor
    He's not sick. There's a foreign object in his stomach.
[04:00] Kagura
    Foreign object?
[04:01] Doctor
    Yes. Did you make Sadaharu eat anything odd?
[04:06] Shinpachi
    Huh? We haven't fed him anything except basic dog food.
[04:09] Doctor
    I see.
[04:09] Doctor
    Then he probably ate something off the ground when you took him for a walk.
[04:13] ---
    Dogs put unbelievable things in their mouths when their owners aren't looking.
[04:18] ---
    Especially since Sadaharu is a large breed, anything can go in.
[04:21] ---
    You need to be careful.
[04:23] Doctor
    So, this is the shadow.
[04:27] Doctor
    What could this be? I can't really tell.
[04:31] Doctor
    Anyway, I'll get him to vomit it out. That'll make him better in no time.
[04:35] Gintoki
    No! Never mind!
[04:37] Doctor
    Huh? Why?
[04:38] Shinpachi
    No, it's because, you know!
[04:39] ---
    If all we have to do it make him vomit, we can do it ourselves.
[04:42] ---
    We're...going home.
[04:43] Doctor
    No, if it gets stuck in his throat as he vomits it out, it could be trouble.
[04:47] Doctor
    And depending on the situation, he might require surgery.
[04:51] Gintoki
    We can manage!
[04:52] ---
    We're good at slitting our bellies. We're samurai, you know.
[04:55] Doctor
    No, not yours.
[04:56] Gintoki
    No, really, it's all right. Just let us go. Don't call the police.
[05:00] Doctor
    The police?
[05:03] Gintoki
    What're you doing? Hurry and come with us, Sadaharu!
[05:05] ---
    Do you want to be caught?
[05:12] Shinpachi
    It's coming out of his mouth!
[05:14] ---
    Gin, from his mouth.
[05:15] Gintoki
    Push it back in!
[05:16] Kagura
    Sadaharu, open wide.
[05:27] Kagura
    For now, there doesn't seem to be anything else.
[05:30] ---
    But to be safe, they say he should stay overnight at the hospital.
[05:34] Gintoki
    I see.
[05:35] Kagura
    I'm worried, so is it okay if I stay with Sadaharu overnight?
[05:39] Shinpachi
    Oh, okay.
[05:44] Kagura
    Why're they so tired?
[05:48] Katsura
    If it isn't Leader...
[05:50] Kagura
    Huh? Zura?
[05:51] Katsura
    Not Zura. Katsura.
[05:53] ---
    What're you doing here?
[05:55] ---
    Don't tell me Sir Sadaharu is not well?
[05:58] Kagura
    Not as sick as your mind. Don't worry.
[06:02] Katsura
    I see, I'm glad to hear that.
[06:03] Kagura
    Zura, what brings you here?
[06:05] ---
    Did you come to an animal hospital because regular hospitals won't touch you?
[06:09] Katsura
    No, Elizabeth's been lacking energy.
[06:12] ---
    I came here hoping to have her looked at.
[06:15] Katsura
    The X-rays showed a disturbing shadow.
[06:17] Kagura
    No, it's just an old man.
[06:19] Katsura
    Seems she ate something that looked like an old man off the ground during our walk.
[06:24] Kagura
    No, you're the one who picked up the old man, I bet.
[06:26] Katsura
    So that's why she'll be having an operation to remove the old man soon.
[06:31] Kagura
    Taking out the old man means the whole body.
[06:34] Katsura
    It's no wonder I thought she was behaving strangely.
[06:37] ---
    When I go near her, she smells of aging body odor.
[06:39] Kagura
    Hey, don't deny the truth.
[06:42] ---
    What you were keeping as a pet is just an old man.
[06:45] Katsura
    Well,
[06:46] Katsura
    it's a good thing neither was life-threatening.
[06:50] Kagura
    Yours is threatened.
[06:52] Katsura
    After all, you always want to have your pet smiling at your side.
[06:57] Kagura
    That's true.
[07:00] Doctor
    I did everything I could, but he was, after all, an old dog.
[07:05] Doctor
    I don't think his body can withstand any more treatment.
[07:09] Saburo
    I see.
[07:10] ---
    Kintaro...looks like I won't be able to take him to my Dad.
[07:14] Doctor
    Is your Father's condition that bad?
[07:16] Saburo
    Yes. Seems he's not going to make it, either.
[07:19] ---
    Imagine a pet dog and its owner falling ill at the same time.
[07:23] Doctor
    I see. Your father was really fond of Kintaro.
[07:28] Saburo
    An old man and his old dog.
[07:30] ---
    They both lost many things, until all that was left at the end was their friendship.
[07:35] ---
    Those fools, are they planning to die together as well?
[07:39] Saburo
    Doctor, I've got to go see my Dad.
[07:43] ---
    Please look after Kintaro.
[07:44] ---
    Please see to it that he passes on peacefully.
[07:49] ---
    Sorry... Kintaro, I won't say good-bye.
[07:54] Saburo
    Thanks.
[08:31] Kagura
    I can't fall asleep.
[08:57] Kagura
    Zura?
[08:58] Kagura
    What, are you trying to get in my way by sleeping there?
[09:01] Katsura
    Huh? No.
[09:04] Katsura
    I was having a bit of trouble falling asleep.
[09:06] ---
    Here there's a breeze and it seemed like a good place to sleep.
[09:12] Kagura
    That's true. I'll crash here, too.
[09:28] Kagura
    I'm sure he wanted his master to be at his side when he dies, not us.
[09:35] Katsura
    Who knows?
[09:37] Katsura
    I heard it from the doctor.
[09:39] ---
    It's almost a miracle that he's still alive despite being ravaged to such an extent by disease.
[09:45] Katsura
    This animal is apparently a loyal dog that supported his master who lived alone for all these years.
[09:51] ---
    He nestled up next to a stubborn old man
[09:54] ---
    who wouldn't even have anything to do with his own children after his wife died.
[09:59] ---
    He hung on until he was this ragged.
[10:02] Katsura
    When the old man collapsed,
[10:04] Katsura
    it seems he just flopped down as if to say his job had ended.
[10:07] ---
    No, maybe he is trying to follow his master into the afterlife.
[10:13] Katsura
    If that's the case, then maybe this is what he wanted.  This tiny samurai.
[10:20] Kagura
    Zura, that's why they send you to the animal hospital.
[10:25] Katsura
    What?
[10:25] Kagura
    I've made up my mind.
[10:26] ---
    I'm going to let this dog see the old man, after all.
[10:30] Katsura
    Wait, Leader. What're you talking about?
[10:32] ---
    You plan to take a dog in this condition with you?
[10:34] Kagura
    It can't wait.
[10:36] ---
    You're the only ones who'd be happy that he died
[10:38] ---
    all by himself in a place like this and became a noble tale.
[10:41] Katsura
    Have you forgotten?
[10:42] ---
    We can try to get them together, but the old man is on the brink of death himself.
[10:46] Kagura
    That's why I'm sure he's hoping to see each other, too.
[10:49] Katsura
    Hope to see him? He's already lost consciousness.
[10:52] ---
    It's all he can do just to breathe.
[10:54] ---
    He has no strength left.
[10:57] Katsura
    The doctor said so himself.
[10:58] Katsura
    Instead of needlessly making him suffer, let him peacefully...
[11:06] Katsura
    You...you're...
[11:10] Katsura
    Does it...mean that much to you?
[11:14] Kagura
    When a dog is ragged, and writhes in agony, desperately trying live a long life,
[11:19] Kagura
    the reason why he won't leave his master's side is obvious.
[11:24] Kagura
    It's because he wants to stay at his master's side forever.
[11:28] Kagura
    It's obviously because he doesn't want to leave.
[11:31] ---
    Then there's just one final thing we can do for this dog.
[11:38] Katsura
    I see.
[11:39] ---
    Little Mr. Samurai, I have underestimated you.
[11:44] Katsura
    A true samurai does not die for his beliefs. He lives for his beliefs, doesn't he?
[11:50] Katsura
    Okay!
[11:51] ---
    Let's head to where the old man is.
[11:54] Kintaro
    Like hell I will!
[11:59] Kintaro
    After eighteen years of suffering while sealed in by that despicable old man, finally...
[12:02] ---
    Finally, the chains have rotted off!
[12:05] ---
    The time for the resurrection of the King of Terror has come.
[12:10] ---
    Earth has come to an...
[12:13] ---
    Uh-oh, it hurts... Call an ambulance!
SIGN    [18 Years Prior]
[12:28] Narrator
    We go back in time eighteen years.
[12:32] ---
    From beyond the far reaches of the vast Universe,
[12:35] ---
    a frightful beam bringing disaster is approaching Earth.
[12:50] Narrator
    Parasite X.
[12:52] ---
    Feared as the "Planet Eater."
[12:59] Narrator
    X splits into infinite beams, raining down on the planet.
[13:03] Narrator
    Parasitically attaching to all life forms,
[13:06] Narrator
    it controls the central nervous system
[13:08] Narrator
    and manipulates its hosts' genes, evolving incredibly quickly,
[13:11] Narrator
    to create a powerful invasion force in the blink of an eye.
[13:15] Narrator
    Every planet invaded by X is left with a huge scar, as though torn off by a huge jaw.
[13:22] ---
    This is how they got the name "Planet Eaters."
[13:27] “X”
    Earth.  Looks like quite a lovely planet.
[13:32] “X”
    I tremble with excitement when I think of sinking my fangs into such a juicy planet.
[13:39] ---
    So, which creature should I attach myself to this time?
[13:44] ---
    Looks easy, so this time, I'll go with my eyes closed.
[13:48] ---
    Whatever happens, I'll probably be fine.
[14:00] Kintaro
    I've entered a mongrel that almost died in its mother's womb.
[14:06] Kintaro
    Idiot! I'm an idiot!
[14:08] ---
    Why did I get so carried away like that!
[14:09] ---
    With my eyes closed!
[14:12] Kintaro
    Even my senpai told me the real climb begins just before the summit.
[14:17] Kintaro
    As a result, I was cooped up in a dog house for eighteen years,
[14:20] ---
    spending peaceful days without being able to start on world conquest.
[14:23] ---
    Even then, though, I tried so hard.
[14:25] ---
    Fiddling around with the genes and such, you know?
[14:27] ---
    I tried to evolve, you know?!
[14:30] Kintaro
    But in the end,
[14:32] Kintaro
    all I could do was learn to do the front raise on a bar!
[14:35] Kintaro
    As a final measure, I waited for the old man to die,
[14:38] Kintaro
    but just when I thought I was finally free...
[14:43] Kintaro
    My life reached its limit, as well.
[14:45] Kintaro
    How cruel!
[14:47] ---
    Is there no god or King of Terror in this world?!
[14:49] ---
    All I've ever done is a front raise.
[14:51] ---
    I haven't even learned the glider yet!
[14:53] ---
    Give me back my life!
[14:56] Kagura
    So what happened is, you attempted to take over the Earth, but failed,
[14:59] ---
    and you were kept as the old man's pet this whole time?
[15:02] Kagura
    Then the reason you desperately tried to live a long life
[15:04] Kagura
    wasn't because you wanted to stay by the old man's side and support him, but...
[15:07] Kintaro
    ...to conquer the Earth.
[15:09] ---
    I waited vigilantly for the old man to die so I'd be freed from that stupid doghouse.
[15:13] Kagura
    Excuse me.
[15:14] Waitress
    Yes?
[15:15] Kagura
    Nuke this Amanto in the microwave and make a hot dog out of him.
[15:18] Kintaro
    Nooo!
[15:19] Kagura
    I'm sick of this.
[15:21] ---
    My motivation's down. I'm going home.
[15:24] Katsura
    Now, wait, Leader.
[15:25] ---
    It's true there's nothing to be gained by helping this dog.
[15:28] Katsura
    But I'm sure the old man wants to see this dog, despite what it is.
[15:32] ---
    We should finish what we started.
[15:34] ---
    What've we got to lose by letting them see each other?
[15:37] ---
    Planet Eater...
[15:38] Katsura
    You've done a whole lot of evil. At least before you die...
[15:43] Cat A
    I've finally found you!
[15:44] Katsura
    What's going on?
SIGN    [18 Years Prior]
[15:47] Narrator
    We go back in time eighteen years.
[15:50] ---
    From beyond the far reaches of the vast Universe,
[15:53] ---
    an intense celestial light is approaching Earth.
[16:07] Narrator
    Parasite Z, revered as the Planet Pukers.
[16:15] Narrator
    Z splits into infinite beams, raining down on the planet.
[16:20] Narrator
    Parasitically attaching to any life form,
[16:24] Narrator
    they evolve incredibly quickly, exterminating the Planet Eaters and saving planets.
[16:27] Narrator
    They are, so to speak, the Planet Eaters' counterbalancing force-the allies of good.
[16:32] Narrator
    When Z saves a planet, it leaves covered in the vomit of its host as it is expelled.
[16:41] ---
    This is how they got the name "Planet Pukers."
[16:44] Z
    Earth.
[16:46] ---
    So the Planet Eaters are trying to eat away this beautiful planet.
[16:51] Z
    We must never allow that to happen.
[16:53] ---
    We will protect this planet without fail and cover it with vomit!
[16:59] Z
    But the question is, what animal shall we counter with?
[17:04] ---
    Looks easy, so this time, we'll go with our eyes half-opened.
[17:07] ---
    Whatever happens, it'll be fine.
[17:14] Cat A
    Planet Eater... I've finally found the last one of you.
[17:19] Cat A
    I will...kill you for sure!
[17:24] Kagura
    What's that? More strange creatures?
[17:27] Kinetaro
    That's...
[17:28] Kintaro
    The Planet Pukers!
[17:29] Cat A
    Charge!
SIGN    [Oedo Hospital]
[17:36] Ichiro
    I see. Poor Kintaro.
[17:39] Ichiro
    He supported Dad for so long, but I couldn't be there when he dies.
[17:46] Jiro
    With Dad in this condition, it can't be helped.
[17:48] ---
    Besides, Dad's the one who most wanted to be there when that dog dies.
[17:52] ---
    He was so fond of him.
[17:54] Saburo
    Not to worry. They'll meet again in the afterlife.
[17:57] Ichiro
    Hey, that's imprudent.
[17:59] Saburo
    You guys are stressing too much.
[18:02] ---
    You're exhausted because you've been tending to Dad all this time.
[18:04] ---
    Why don't you take a break?
[18:06] ---
    Looks like Dad will be okay for a while.
[18:08] Jiro
    Are you sure you'll be okay?
[18:10] Saburo
    Don't worry, don't worry. I'll keep a close watch.
[18:13] Ichiro
    Okay, I'm counting on you.
[18:15] Saburo
    Alrighty.
[18:27] Kagura
    This isn't getting anywhere.
[18:29] Katsura
    What are they? Why're they attacking us?
[18:33] Kintaro
    Planet Pukers...
[18:34] Kintaro
    They're parasites that drive out Planet Eaters like me and protect planets.
[18:37] ---
    Quickly, quickly, get away.
[18:39] ---
    If they catch me, I'll be eliminated.
[18:41] Katsura
    I had no idea.
[18:43] ---
    I wouldn't have believed that cats and dogs
[18:46] ---
    battled over the fate of the world since ancient times.
[18:47] Kintaro
    No, that's not how it is.
[18:49] ---
    It's just coincidence that I parasitically attached myself to a dog, and they attached to cats.
[18:52] Katsura
    What should I do?
[18:55] ---
    Dogs...and cats... Both are difficult to forsake.
[18:58] ---
    They're both cuddly balls of flesh and fluffy soft.
[19:02] ---
    Oh...what should I do?
[19:03] ---
    I don't' want either of them to disappear.
[19:06] Kintaro
    Hey, are you even listening?!
[19:08] Katsura
    All right, I'll make a peace offering.
[19:10] ---
    They're both cuddly balls of flesh-
[19:12] ---
    if they discuss things, they should reach an understanding.
[19:14] Kintaro
    Hey, why're you wasting time talking. Hurry and run.
[19:17] Katsura
    Listen to me, courageous cuddly balls of flesh.
[19:19] ---
    We have no intention of conquering Earth.
[19:22] Katsura
    Even without your help, this dog is at the end of his life!
[19:26] Katsura
    However, we want to let his owner see him once before he dies.
[19:30] ---
    As those who are also of flesh and blood, I'm sure you can understand!
[19:33] Cat B
    We're strays!
[19:35] Cat C
    Planet Eater! You came to conquer Earth.
[19:38] ---
    What're you doing living a leisurely life as a kept pet?!
[19:41] Kintaro
    What's the idea of getting them riled up?
[19:44] Katsura
    I failed to convince them, huh?
[19:46] ---
    Well, that's okay.  At least I got to touch some cuddly balls of flesh.
[19:49] Kintaro
    What're you so happy about?!
[19:51] ---
    What is it with you and cuddly balls of flesh?!
[19:53] Katsura
    We have no choice.
[19:54] ---
    Now that it's come to this, I'll draw them to me.
[19:56] ---
    During that time, Leader, you go to the old man's place.
[19:59] Kagura
    Zura, you'd do all that?
[20:02] Katsura
    I don't want to see cuddly balls of flesh fighting among themselves.
[20:07] Katsura
    Take care of the rest, Leader!
[20:12] Katsura
    I have discovered Bushido in a death surrounded by cuddly balls of flesh!
[20:19] Katsura (M)
    All right, come at me, you cuddly balls of flesh!
[20:24] Katsura (M)
    With your cuddly balls of flesh...at me...
[20:30] Kintaro
    They ignored him!
SIGN    [Special Prizes Stefan Goods!! A chance to win 2 weeks in a row!!]
[20:39] Saburo
    Good grief...
[20:40] Saburo
    My body's not gonna last if this keeps on.
[20:43] ---
    If you're going to die, Dad, hurry up and get on with it. I mean really.
[21:12] ---
    This is no good.
[21:17] Old Man
    Time for my walk.
SIGN    [To be continued]
SIGN    [Tell me! Ginpachi Sensei!]
[22:52] Group
    Tell me! Ginpachi Sensei!
[22:55] Ginpachi
    Okay, today, we have a letter from someone a bit unusual. I'll read it now.
[23:01] Ginpachi
    It's a question from Amachi Hideaki of Tokyo.
[23:04] ---
    This is about something that happened a while back.
[23:07] ---
    When I saw an ending where Kagura was running along the beach in Summer,
[23:09] ---
    I wondered about something, so I wrote this letter.
[23:12] ---
    If I'm not mistaken, Kagura is an Amanto belonging to the Yato Clan,
[23:15] ---
    who are supposed to be vulnerable to sunlight.
[23:17] ---
    Basically, wasn't it a given that she always uses a parasol?
[23:21] ---
    I draw a lot of manga myself, and often forget to draw in the parasol.
[23:26] ---
    But is it all right to do that?
[23:27] ---
    It bothers me so much, I can't get on with my manuscript.
[23:30] ---
    Okay, here's the straight answer.
[23:33] Ginpachi
    Yes, I do remember.
[23:34] Ginpachi
    It's the one where the voice actress of Kagura said
[23:36] Ginpachi
    "Who is this cute girl who appears in the ending?"
[23:39] Ginpachi
    when she first saw it, right?
[23:41] ---
    That certainly was Kagura running energetically under the sun with her skin exposed.
[23:46] ---
    But she's fine.
[23:47] ---
    Huh? Why is she fine, you ask?
[23:50] ---
    Okay.
[23:51] ---
    Actually, that was filmed in studio.
[23:54] Ginpachi
    Adults play so dirty, don't they?
[23:57] ---
    They explain everything that's not going their way after the fact.
[24:00] ---
    Well, then, Amachi! Don't worry so much about details.
[24:03] ---
    Have a manuscript by tomorrow.
SIGN    
[24:05] Katsura
    Hey, Gintoki!
[24:06] Katsura
    This one's a multi-part episode, so how about we call it the Bark-Meow arc!
[24:09] ---
    But the Fuzzy-Wuzzy arc is hard to disregard, too.
[24:11] ---
    But there's the Fluffy-Wuffy arc... Maybe the Cuddly Balls of Flesh arc, after all.
[24:13] Gintoki
    Don't bother. It'll end next week.
[24:15] Katsura
    What?!
[24:16] Kagura
    The next episode:
[24:17] Kagura
    "Cat Lovers and Dog Lovers Are Mutually Exclusive"
SIGN    [To reunite with Kintaro (Planet Eater), the Old Man (Stubborn) makes an implacable comeback.]
SIGN    [But the Planet Pukers (Cat) hand of pursuit (Cuddly Balls of Flesh) goes dauntlessly after the Planet Eater (Cuddly Balls of Flesh) to corner him (pinch)!!]