253 - Nobody with Natural Straight Hair Can Be That Bad

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Lake Toya
[00:05] Gin
    Hey, I'm back.
[00:12] Gin
    Didn't you hear that Gin-san's back?
[00:15] Gin
    Don't you idiots know how
    to welcome someone?!
[00:22] Gin
    Man, they're so mean.
[00:25] Gin
    Are they upset about the
    six month vacation?
[00:29] Gin
    Seriously, kids need way
    too much attention.
[00:33] Gin
    Hi!
[00:34] Gin
    Long time no see,
    Shin-chan, Kagura-chan!
[00:36] Gin
    How's it going?
[00:37] Gin
    Sorry I ran out on you for so long.
[00:40] Gin
    I brought you some Shinsengumi
    manju, so cheer up.
[00:47] Shin
    Honestly, what were you doing?
[00:49] Shin
    You're late.
[00:50] Kag
    Get dressed.
[00:52] Kag
    We have a visitor.
[00:53] ---
    Oh, yeah, sorry.
[00:54] Shin
    Hurry up!
[00:55] Shin
    Kin-san!
[00:55] Kag
    Kin-chan!
[00:57] Gin
    Kin-san?
SIGN    Be sure to watch Kintama in a well-lit room 
    and sit some distance from the TV!!
[00:59] Kin
    Oh, sorry about that.
[01:02] Kin
    I've got a splitting headache after
    drinking too much last night.
[01:06] Kin
    Sorry about the poor reception.
[01:10] Kin
    I'm Odd Jobs Sakata Kintoki.
[01:15] Kin
    Please have a seat,
[01:18] Kin
    sir.
SIGN    Nobody with Natural Straight 
    Hair Can Be That Bad
[02:56] Gin
    Sorry, I'm in the wrong place.
[03:01] Gin
    What the hell?
[03:03] Gin
    I'm so drunk, I ended up in a different
    anime and pulled a Breakfast Attack.
[03:07] Gin
    Yeah, that was a shock.
[03:08] Gin
    I didn't hear about this
    show being on TV Tokyo.
[03:12] Gin
    It looks like a ratings bomb
    to me, so I'd be worried.
[03:15] Gin
    The last time I saw a
    first episode this bad,
[03:18] Gin
    Gintama was switched to a different
    time slot six months later.
[03:21] Gin
    Maybe I should have
    given them some advice.
[03:24] Gin
    Like, to add a special
    attack or something.
[03:27] Gin
    And Kintama is such a crass title.
[03:30] Gin
    Why not something flashy 
    like Kin no Exorcist?
[03:33] Gin
    They'll need to give that boring
    four-eyes a bunch of moles
[03:35] ---
    and turn him into the
    main character's little brother
[03:37] ---
    if they want the manga
    to sell a million copies.
[03:40] Gin
    And if they're going with 
    a heroine that's a kid,
[03:40] [SONG] Song
    Sada-Sada Haru-Haru
    Gobbles everyone down
[03:41] Gin
    they should make her small 
    enough to be a mascot,
[03:44] Gin
    then make her dance with that dog.
[03:44] [SONG] Song
    Tears everyone up
    Tomorrow will be another bloody day
[03:50] Gin
    The nail in the coffin would
    be the main character.
[03:52] Gin
    He's too polished.
[03:54] Gin
    Nobody's gonna remember a
    guy with straight hair.
[03:56] Gin
    The main character needs wavy hair.
SIGN    Odd Jobs Kin-chan
SIGN    Snack Otose
[04:00] Gin
    Anyway, their faces looked
    awfully familiar,
[04:02] Gin
    despite being a new show...
[04:04] Gin
    Whatever.
[04:06] Gin
    Time to go home.
[04:09] Gin
    Where is home?
[04:11] Gin
    Wait, it's not my hangover.
SIGN    Odd Jobs Kin-chan
[04:13] Gin
    The sign's changed, but 
    that's clearly my home!
[04:17] Gin
    This isn't Ao no Exorcist 
    or Aka no Exorcist*.
[04:21] Gin
    It's Dumb and Dumbercist!
[04:23] Gin
    That was clearly Shinpachi and Kagura!
[04:26] Gin
    The title changed from Gin to Kin.
SIGN    Gintama
SIGN    Kintama
[04:28] Gin
    Gold is more valuable than silver,
[04:30] ---
    but the title's gone down the gutter.
[04:32] Gin
    But everything else about this show
[04:35] Gin
    is clearly Gintama!
[04:38] Gin
    So, so...
[04:39] Gin
    Who is this guy, this man 
    with blond straight hair?
[04:41] Gin
    Who is Sakata Kintoki?!
[04:44] Gin
    I wasn't gone that long.
[04:48] Gin
    What?
[04:48] Gin
    How?
[04:49] Gin
    Why?
[04:51] Shin
    So who was that guy anyway?
[04:55] Kagura
    He kind of reminded me of Kin-chan.
[04:58] Kin
    Really? My head isn't that screwy.
[05:02] Shin
    That's right.
[05:04] Shin
    You were born with straight hair
    and a straight personality.
[05:10] Shin
    Why was the main character's throne 
    changed from silver to gold?!
[05:19] Shin
    Oh, so you have a job for us?
[05:23] Shin
    You just turned around
    and left earlier.
[05:24] Shin
    Is it something difficult
    to talk about?
[05:27] Kag
    Just let it all out!
[05:29] Kag
    Odd Jobs is here to help people!
[05:33] Gin
    Oh, really...
[05:36] Gin
    Then I'll talk.
[05:40] Gin
    The thing is, you see,
[05:43] ---
    I left the house for a while, and when
    I came back, something was wrong.
[05:48] Gin
    The entire anime was wrong.
[05:50] Gin
    I've lost my place.
[05:52] Shin
    Ah, I see.
[05:54] Kag
    Like returning from a business trip
[05:56] ---
    to find your wife with another man?
[05:58] Gin
    Yeah, yeah...
[05:59] Gin
    A strange man was wearing my bathrobe,
[06:02] ---
    digging through my fridge,
    and eating my pudding.
[06:05] Kag
    That would make me mad!
[06:07] Gin
    Right? Don't you want to kill him?
[06:09] Gin
    I'll °°°° the °°°°° °°°° 
    °°° °° °°°° °°°°°!
[06:13] Gin
    I'm gone a few months and °°° 
    °°°°°° °° ° °°°° into my house!
[06:17] Gin
    What the hell is his deal?!
[06:19] Shin
    Anyway, there's some
    paperwork to be done,
[06:21] ---
    so please give us your name.
[06:22] Gin
    Sakata Gintoki.
[06:24] Kag
    Wow, even your name is like Kin-chan's.
[06:27] Kag
    Are you long lost brothers?
[06:30] Gin
    They've completely forgotten 
    about the main character?!
[06:33] Oto
    Stop it, now.
[06:35] ---
    He wouldn't want this
    loser as a brother.
[06:39] Kin
    Hey, that's cold, Gran.
[06:41] Gin
    Gran, too!
[06:43] Cath
    Absolutely, gold is
    much better than silver.
[06:47] Kin
    You're joining in, Catherine?
[06:49] Gin
    And Catherine!
[06:50] Gin
    It didn't take them long to 
    switch from silver to gold!
[06:56] Gin
    What's going on?!
[06:57] Gin
    Did they pawn off five years 
    of memories with Gin-san?!
[07:01] Gin
    How did you erase all the 
    time spent with Gin-san?!
[07:05] Gin
    And worst of all...
[07:07] Kin
    Now, now. Have a drink,
    Gin-san or whatever.
[07:10] Kin
    We may not be related by blood,
[07:12] Kin
    but men can form bonds by
    having a drink together.
[07:15] Kin
    If you're having problems, let me know,
[07:17] Kin
    brother!
[07:18] Gin
    ...he's a much better main 
    character than Gin-san!
[07:22] Kag
    Super, Kin-chan! That's
    why I love you!
[07:24] Shin
    Way to be a man, Kin-san!
[07:26] Gin
    And he's much better 
    liked than Gin-san!
[07:27] Kin
    Well, let's get going.
[07:29] Oto
    Honestly, he's too nice.
[07:31] ---
    Don't do anything stupid.
[07:32] Kin
    Yeah, I'll leave this here to be safe.
[07:36] Kin
    That'll cover this month's rent.
[07:37] Oto
    Hold on. I don't charge
    this much for rent.
[07:42] Kin
    Please, you must be getting old.
[07:45] Kin
    In that case, you might as
    well forget about your job
[07:48] ---
    and go visit a hot spring.
[07:54] Oto
    Come back in one piece!
[07:56] Gin
    And he certainly has enough 
    money to be golden!
[08:00] Gin
    My eyes! This guy is blinding me!
[08:04] Gin
    So my dull silver luster was 
    devoured by his golden shine?!
[08:08] Gin
    That's why everyone forgot about
[08:10] ---
    Gin-san and switched to Kin-san?!
[08:13] Gin
    Seriously?! Are you serious?!
[08:14] Gin
    Gin-san's given you over 
    sixty volumes of DVDs!
SIGN    Year 1
SIGN    Year 2    Year 1
SIGN    Year 3    Year 2    Year 1
SIGN    Year 4    Year 3    Year 2    Year 1
SIGN    Year 5    Year 4    Year 3    Year 2    Year 1
[08:18] Gin
    If you line up sixty volumes of DVDs,
[08:19] ---
    that's enough room
[08:21] ---
    for Tamo-san to take a nap!
[08:22] Gin
    Sleep your heart out!
SIGN    Young Jump
[08:24] Gin
    Meanwhile, that guy's
    only been on a single DVD
SIGN    Kintama 
    Bonus DVD
[08:26] ---
    that came with a volume of manga!
[08:27] Gin
    You can't even fit Tamo-san's
    sunglasses on that!
[08:30] Gin
    He's still wet behind the ears!
[08:32] Gin
    Yet, look at the love he's getting.
[08:36] Gin
    In half a year, while I was gone,
[08:39] Gin
    he's repainted this city, 
    this anime, from silver to gold?!
[08:43] Kin
    So, Bro, about your request...
[08:47] Kin
    Do you want to punish your wife,
[08:49] Kin
    or do you want payback
    on the other man?
[08:52] Kin
    Which would you prefer?
[08:54] Gin
    Neither.
[08:55] Kin
    Huh?
[08:56] Kin
    What do you want to do then?
[08:58] Gin
    Forget about gold and silver!
[08:59] Gin
    I'm going to paint this town red!
[09:03] Gin
    Could you help me carry these DVDs?
[09:09] Gin
    Oh, sorry!
[09:10] Gin
    The sixty volumes are so heavy
    that my hands slipped!
[09:13] Gin
    You're going to die from the impact
[09:15] ---
    of sixty volumes of DVDs to your skull!
[09:16] Kag
    Kin-chan!
[09:17] Shin
    Hey! What are you doing?!
[09:20] Gin
    Kochikame VHS tape collection slam!
[09:22] Shin
    Stop it!
[09:22] Gin
    If I let him survive, it'll be big trouble!
[09:22] Gin
    Complete One Piece DVD collection slam!
[09:23] Shin
    Stop!
[09:24] Shi
    Hey, stop it!
[09:24] Gin
    Naruto slam!
[09:25] Gin
    Bleach slam!
[09:28] Shin
    Didn't you hear me tell you to stop?!
[09:33] Shin
    What do you think you're
    doing to our Kin-san?!
[09:33] ---
    Kin-chan! Kin-chan, get up!
[09:35] Shin
    You're despicable!
[09:36] Shin
    Kin-san was trying to help
    you, a total stranger!
[09:39] Kag
    Kin-chan!
[09:41] Shin
    How could you do this to him?!
[09:42] Gin
    Hold on, Pachi-boy.
[09:44] Gin
    I'm not a total stranger.
[09:47] Shin
    Don't call me Pachi-boy!
[09:48] Shin
    How do you have the nerve?
[09:50] Gin
    Tell me you're lying, Kagura!
[09:53] Gin
    This is all an act, right?
[09:54] Gin
    You're trying to trick me again.
[09:57] Kag
    Get lost.
[09:58] Kag
    Never show your face
    in this town again.
[10:01] Kag
    If you come near Kin-chan
    again, you'll get it.
[10:05] Gin
    W-Wait, Shinpachi! Kagura!
[10:07] Gin
    Who is this Kin-san you
    keep talking about?!
[10:11] Gin
    Didn't the three of us work
    together as Odd Jobs?!
[10:14] Gin
    Are you saying the
    sixty volumes of DVDs
[10:17] ---
    we spent together meant nothing?!
[10:20] Shin
    What are you talking about?
[10:22] Shin
    We spent sixty volumes of DVDs
[10:26] ---
    with Kin-san!
[10:36] Shin
    A-A samurai?
[10:45] Kin
    Enough jabbering.
[10:47] Kin
    Are you in heat, fool?
[10:56] Gin
    Every episode's been edited!
[11:01] Gin
    I-Impossible!
[11:02] Gin
    This is... This is...
[11:06] Gin
    Wh-Who would have done 
    an edit job worse
[11:09] ---
    than To Love-Ru Doki Doki*?!*
[11:12] Kyu
    You think you can beat the 
    lightning speed of my sword?!
[11:15] Gin
    This one, too?!
[11:17] Otae
    Is he okay?
[11:19] Otae
    His hair's so wavy.
[11:20] Otae
    Perhaps he needs help?
[11:22] Kyu
    No, you should stay away from him.
[11:24] Kyu
    He might be one of those
    wavy-haired con artists.
[11:27] Kyu
    Let sleeping waves lie.
[11:29] Otae
    But we can't just ignore him.
[11:30] Otae
    I know. Let's ask Kin-san for help.
[11:33] Kyu
    Yes, Kintoki has helped us many times.
[11:37] Kyu
    He'll know what to do.
[11:38] Gin
    What's going on?
[11:40] Gin
    This DVD is also...
[11:41] Sa
    Guess who?
[11:44] Gin
    Sa-chan!
[11:46] Gin
    Do you recognize me?
[11:49] Sa
    Who are you?!
[11:52] Sa
    That's odd. I thought he was Kin-san.
[11:56] Gin
    So this DVD is also...
[11:58] Tsu
    What do you think?
[11:59] ---
    This is the Kabuki district, where
    Kintoki and his friends live.
[12:02] Hino
    Oh, it reminds me of Yoshiwara.
[12:05] Sei
    Right?
[12:06] ---
    There's strands of torn-out
    hair everywhere.
[12:08] Gin
    And this one!
[12:10] Zura
    Hurry, Elizabeth!
SIGN    Win the Costume  Grand Prix!!
[12:12] Zura
    We've spent six months perfecting
[12:13] ---
    our techniques to use against Kin-chan!
[12:16] Zura
    Why would you do that?
[12:17] Zura
    Cut me some slack!
[12:19] Zura
    Okay, you pass!
[12:20] Gin
    I-I haven't just been forgotten.
[12:24] Gin
    My existence has been wiped 
    clean from this town,
[12:29] ---
    from the sixty volumes of DVDs...
[12:31] Gin
    Sakata Gintoki's accomplishments 
    and history
[12:36] Gin
    have been stolen by Sakata Kintoki!
[12:49] Gin
    Pops, give me another one
    so I can forget everything.
[12:54] Pop
    Honestly, you should
    stop for the night.
[12:57] Gin
    If it's money you're
    worried about, don't.
[12:59] Gin
    You'll forget I was
    ever here soon enough.
[13:03] Pop
    What are you talking about?
[13:06] Kin
    Give me a hot one, Pops.
[13:07] Kin
    One for this guy, too.
[13:09] Kin
    Oh, sir. Thank you.
[13:11] Kin
    There are times when men have no choice
[13:13] ---
    but to drink.
[13:15] Kin
    Right, Bro?
[13:17] Kin
    What happened?
[13:18] Gin
    Nothing.
[13:20] Gin
    I have nothing left.
[13:24] Gin
    Nothing at all...
[13:26] Kin
    Did you lose at the tracks?
[13:28] Gin
    Yeah, something like that.
[13:31] Gin
    I gambled my life and lost
    it all in a single night.
[13:35] Kin
    A golden horse stole victory
    at the very last second?
[13:44] Gin
    B-Bastard!
[13:46] Kin
    Calm down, Bro.
[13:48] Kin
    I bought you a drink
    as a peace offering.
[13:51] Kin
    Sit down and join me.
[13:53] Gin
    Don't mess with me!
[13:58] Kin
    I told you to drink.
[14:00] Gin
    B-Bastard!
[14:04] Gin
    Who the hell are you?!
[14:09] Gin
    What did you do to Shinpachi
    and everyone else?!
[14:11] Kin
    I didn't do a thing.
[14:13] Kin
    Didn't you watch the DVDs?
[14:15] Kin
    They should have been self-explanatory.
[14:17] Gin
    Bullshit! I was the one
    who did everything!
[14:20] Kin
    But how can you prove it?
[14:23] Kin
    You're the only one who believes that.
[14:25] Kin
    Nobody can even remember you.
[14:29] Kin
    I can guess what you're thinking.
[14:32] Kin
    That I'm using illusions
    to trick everyone.
[14:36] Kin
    But there's another way to look at it.
[14:38] Kin
    You're the one who's gone crazy.
[14:41] Kin
    Your memories are all delusions.
[14:46] Kin
    As you watched my success,
[14:49] ---
    you began to think that you were me.
[14:53] Kin
    Maybe, as you were watching
    those sixty DVD volumes,
[14:56] ---
    you were fantasizing that
    they were about you.
[15:00] Gin
    That's impossible!
[15:01] Kin
    But you're the only person in
[15:03] ---
    this world who thinks that way.
[15:05] Kin
    Don't you get it?
[15:06] Kin
    You're the one who's crazy.
[15:09] Kin
    You're the only one complaining.
[15:12] Kin
    Weren't you watching?
[15:13] Kin
    Life goes on just fine without you.
[15:17] Kin
    I dare say it's going better
    than in your fantasy world.
[15:22] Kin
    That's reality.
[15:24] Kin
    Nobody's looking at you.
[15:27] Kin
    Nobody needs you.
[15:30] Kin
    Because I'm here.
[15:32] Kin
    There's no place for you here.
[15:39] A
    Hey, watch where you're going!
[15:41] B
    Hold it right there!
[15:42] A
    I told you to wait!
[15:43] Gin
    Yeah, he's right.
[15:46] Mid
    Damn drunk!
[15:48] Mid
    Don't show your face
    in this town again!
[15:51] Gin
    I'm the one who isn't 
    needed in this world.
SIGN    You Will Not Defeat Me!
[15:56] Gin
    I'm the one who doesn't belong 
    in a prime time anime.
[16:01] A
    Sir, time's up.
[16:04] B
    S-Sir?
[16:06] C
    Wait, look!
[16:07] Mid
    B-Boss!
[16:10] Gin
    I'm burned...
[16:12] Gin
    Completely burned out...
[16:14] Gin
    Not gold, not silver...
[16:17] Gin
    I've been reduced to white ash.
SIGN    The End
[16:23] A
    Don't try to end the show so
    you don't have to pay up!
[16:26] B
    It's not over yet! There's
    plenty more to come!
[16:29] B
    Stand up!
[16:30] B
    Stand up, bastard!
[16:48] Gin
    Shut up, dog.
[16:50] Gin
    Leave me alone.
[16:51] Gin
    You can ignore a side
    character like me.
[16:57] Gin
    I told you to go away...
[17:05] Gin
    Sadaharu...
[17:15] Gin
    Sadaharu, do you recognize me?
[17:20] Tama
    I found you.
[17:22] Tama
    The gold hasn't gotten to
    one person, one animal,
[17:29] Tama
    and one machine.
[17:32] ---
    I've been looking for you, Master Gintoki.
[17:37] Gin
    Ta-Tama...
[17:38] Gin
    Why are you...
[17:40] Tama
    Do not worry.
[17:42] Tama
    The rest of the world may
    have forgotten about you,
[17:45] ---
    but you will always
    remain in my data bank.
[17:48] Tama
    Because I always hold
    the reset button when
[17:50] ---
    I turn off the power and go to sleep.
[17:53] Tama
    I'm sure you do the same thing.
[17:58] Tama
    True,
[18:00] ---
    your luster may not have
    been as bright as gold...
[18:03] Tama
    You only shined on occasion.
[18:08] Tama
    You were always arguing and fighting.
[18:12] Tama
    You had wavy hair. You were lazy.
[18:15] Tama
    You were the king of sexual harassment.
[18:17] Tama
    You never paid the rent.
[18:19] Tama
    You paid your people late.
[18:21] Tama
    Still, you were brighter than
    the fake glint of gold plating.
[18:26] Tama
    When you were angry, your
    entire soul was enraged.
[18:29] Tama
    When you laughed, you laughed
    with all your heart.
[18:33] Tama
    Your silver was much more beautiful.
[18:42] Tama
    You haven't forgotten
    that light, have you?
[18:45] Tama
    You haven't allowed that fake
    light to trick you, have you?
[18:50] Tama
    In that case, you should stand
    up and take this sword
[18:55] Tama
    to repaint this world that
    has been repainted gold.
[19:01] Tama
    You will never lose to Sakata Kintoki.
SIGN    Kin-chan has your back Odd Jobs Kin-chan
[19:04] Tama
    You won't lose to a blond.
    You won't lose to straight hair.
[19:08] Tama
    You won't lose to gold.
SIGN    Lake Toya
[19:10] Tama
    Try to remember what
    color your soul is.
[19:19] Gin
    I haven't forgotten.
[19:21] Gin
    I will never forget.
[19:24] Gin
    My soul has been colored
    by every one of you fools.
[19:31] Gin
    It's a dirty silver!
[19:49] Gin
    This isn't over yet.
[19:54] Gin
    I'm just getting started.
SIGN    Gintama Episode 253 Nobody with Straight Blond Hair  Can Be That Good
SIGN    Nobody with Straight Blond Hair 
    Can Be That Good
[20:12] Gin
    We're taking back our color.
[20:14] Gin
    We're taking down this world of gold!
SIGN    Gintama Episode 253
    Nobody with Straight Blond Hair 
    Can Be That Good
[20:18] Gin
    Let's go!
SIGN    Odd Jobs Kin-chan
[20:25] Gin
    Uh, excuse me.
[20:27] Gin
    Is Kintoki-kun here?
[20:29] Kin
    Sorry, I'm taking a bath right now.
[20:32] Kin
    Could you wait a bit?
[20:33] Gin
    Oh, it's okay.
[20:35] Gin
    Then I'll leave this letter
    of challenge here.
[20:38] Gin
    Oh, maybe I should just come back.
[20:40] Tama
    What are you doing?
[20:42] ---
    Are you here to fool
    around? Are you an idiot?
[20:44] Gin
    Well, for some reason, it feels awkward
[20:46] ---
    to step inside my own home,
[20:47] Gin
    but at the same time, I don't
    want to wreck my own place.
[20:50] Tama
    Come over here.
[20:51] ---
    Do you believe we can
    win without a plan?
[20:57] Tama
    I'll be blunt.
[20:58] ---
    The way things stand now, it's
    impossible for you to win.
[21:01] Gin
    Didn't you just say I will never lose?
[21:03] Tama
    Straight blond hair, honest,
    and fairly well-off.
[21:07] Tama
    How could you ever defeat
    someone who has conquered
[21:11] ---
    every one of your weaknesses?
[21:13] Gin
    Huh? What?
[21:14] Gin
    Are you trying to beat my ass
[21:16] ---
    or tear my rectum out of my ass?
[21:18] ---
    Which is it?
[21:19] Tama
    I'm beating your ass with your rectum.
[21:21] Tama
    Start by reading this.
[21:23] Tama
    You must know your enemy
    before you can start a war.
[21:27] Gin
    An instruction manual?
    Are you serious?
SIGN    Instruction Manual Confidential
[21:30] Gin
    How am I supposed to find
    information about him in here?
[21:32] Gin
    He's not a plastic model.
[21:37] Kin
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
[21:40] Kin
    I was washing my head.
[21:45] Kin
    Huh? Nobody's here?
[21:49] Tama
    Yes, Sakata Kintoki was created
[21:52] ---
    by Gengai-sama at the request of
[21:54] Tama
    Shinpachi-sama and Kagura-sama
    as a substitute Odd Jobs leader.
[21:58] Tama
    A perfect Sakata Gintoki who
    had overcome his weaknesses.
SIGN    Ginpla Collection Perfect Kintoki
[22:06] Tama
    The Perfect Super Golden Alloy,
    Sakata Gintoki Unit 02.
[22:10] Tama
    Or Kin-san, for short.
SIGN    To be continued...
SIGN    Kintoki and Gintoki
[23:46] Kin
    Next time on Kintama:
[23:47] Kin
    Kintoki and Gintoki.