253 - Nobody with Natural Straight Hair Can Be That Bad Source: Crunchyroll Translator: Editor: Timer: QC: (Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.) SIGN    Lake Toya [00:05] Gin     Hey, I'm back. [00:12] Gin     Didn't you hear that Gin-san's back? [00:15] Gin     Don't you idiots know how     to welcome someone?! [00:22] Gin     Man, they're so mean. [00:25] Gin     Are they upset about the     six month vacation? [00:29] Gin     Seriously, kids need way     too much attention. [00:33] Gin     Hi! [00:34] Gin     Long time no see,     Shin-chan, Kagura-chan! [00:36] Gin     How's it going? [00:37] Gin     Sorry I ran out on you for so long. [00:40] Gin     I brought you some Shinsengumi     manju, so cheer up. [00:47] Shin     Honestly, what were you doing? [00:49] Shin     You're late. [00:50] Kag     Get dressed. [00:52] Kag     We have a visitor. [00:53] ---     Oh, yeah, sorry. [00:54] Shin     Hurry up! [00:55] Shin     Kin-san! [00:55] Kag     Kin-chan! [00:57] Gin     Kin-san? SIGN    Be sure to watch Kintama in a well-lit room     and sit some distance from the TV!! [00:59] Kin     Oh, sorry about that. [01:02] Kin     I've got a splitting headache after     drinking too much last night. [01:06] Kin     Sorry about the poor reception. [01:10] Kin     I'm Odd Jobs Sakata Kintoki. [01:15] Kin     Please have a seat, [01:18] Kin     sir. SIGN    Nobody with Natural Straight     Hair Can Be That Bad [02:56] Gin     Sorry, I'm in the wrong place. [03:01] Gin     What the hell? [03:03] Gin     I'm so drunk, I ended up in a different     anime and pulled a Breakfast Attack. [03:07] Gin     Yeah, that was a shock. [03:08] Gin     I didn't hear about this     show being on TV Tokyo. [03:12] Gin     It looks like a ratings bomb     to me, so I'd be worried. [03:15] Gin     The last time I saw a     first episode this bad, [03:18] Gin     Gintama was switched to a different     time slot six months later. [03:21] Gin     Maybe I should have     given them some advice. [03:24] Gin     Like, to add a special     attack or something. [03:27] Gin     And Kintama is such a crass title. [03:30] Gin     Why not something flashy     like Kin no Exorcist? [03:33] Gin     They'll need to give that boring     four-eyes a bunch of moles [03:35] ---     and turn him into the     main character's little brother [03:37] ---     if they want the manga     to sell a million copies. [03:40] Gin     And if they're going with     a heroine that's a kid, [03:40] [SONG] Song     Sada-Sada Haru-Haru     Gobbles everyone down [03:41] Gin     they should make her small     enough to be a mascot, [03:44] Gin     then make her dance with that dog. [03:44] [SONG] Song     Tears everyone up     Tomorrow will be another bloody day [03:50] Gin     The nail in the coffin would     be the main character. [03:52] Gin     He's too polished. [03:54] Gin     Nobody's gonna remember a     guy with straight hair. [03:56] Gin     The main character needs wavy hair. SIGN    Odd Jobs Kin-chan SIGN    Snack Otose [04:00] Gin     Anyway, their faces looked     awfully familiar, [04:02] Gin     despite being a new show... [04:04] Gin     Whatever. [04:06] Gin     Time to go home. [04:09] Gin     Where is home? [04:11] Gin     Wait, it's not my hangover. SIGN    Odd Jobs Kin-chan [04:13] Gin     The sign's changed, but     that's clearly my home! [04:17] Gin     This isn't Ao no Exorcist     or Aka no Exorcist*. [04:21] Gin     It's Dumb and Dumbercist! [04:23] Gin     That was clearly Shinpachi and Kagura! [04:26] Gin     The title changed from Gin to Kin. SIGN    Gintama SIGN    Kintama [04:28] Gin     Gold is more valuable than silver, [04:30] ---     but the title's gone down the gutter. [04:32] Gin     But everything else about this show [04:35] Gin     is clearly Gintama! [04:38] Gin     So, so... [04:39] Gin     Who is this guy, this man     with blond straight hair? [04:41] Gin     Who is Sakata Kintoki?! [04:44] Gin     I wasn't gone that long. [04:48] Gin     What? [04:48] Gin     How? [04:49] Gin     Why? [04:51] Shin     So who was that guy anyway? [04:55] Kagura     He kind of reminded me of Kin-chan. [04:58] Kin     Really? My head isn't that screwy. [05:02] Shin     That's right. [05:04] Shin     You were born with straight hair     and a straight personality. [05:10] Shin     Why was the main character's throne     changed from silver to gold?! [05:19] Shin     Oh, so you have a job for us? [05:23] Shin     You just turned around     and left earlier. [05:24] Shin     Is it something difficult     to talk about? [05:27] Kag     Just let it all out! [05:29] Kag     Odd Jobs is here to help people! [05:33] Gin     Oh, really... [05:36] Gin     Then I'll talk. [05:40] Gin     The thing is, you see, [05:43] ---     I left the house for a while, and when     I came back, something was wrong. [05:48] Gin     The entire anime was wrong. [05:50] Gin     I've lost my place. [05:52] Shin     Ah, I see. [05:54] Kag     Like returning from a business trip [05:56] ---     to find your wife with another man? [05:58] Gin     Yeah, yeah... [05:59] Gin     A strange man was wearing my bathrobe, [06:02] ---     digging through my fridge,     and eating my pudding. [06:05] Kag     That would make me mad! [06:07] Gin     Right? Don't you want to kill him? [06:09] Gin     I'll °°°° the °°°°° °°°°     °°° °° °°°° °°°°°! [06:13] Gin     I'm gone a few months and °°°     °°°°°° °° ° °°°° into my house! [06:17] Gin     What the hell is his deal?! [06:19] Shin     Anyway, there's some     paperwork to be done, [06:21] ---     so please give us your name. [06:22] Gin     Sakata Gintoki. [06:24] Kag     Wow, even your name is like Kin-chan's. [06:27] Kag     Are you long lost brothers? [06:30] Gin     They've completely forgotten     about the main character?! [06:33] Oto     Stop it, now. [06:35] ---     He wouldn't want this     loser as a brother. [06:39] Kin     Hey, that's cold, Gran. [06:41] Gin     Gran, too! [06:43] Cath     Absolutely, gold is     much better than silver. [06:47] Kin     You're joining in, Catherine? [06:49] Gin     And Catherine! [06:50] Gin     It didn't take them long to     switch from silver to gold! [06:56] Gin     What's going on?! [06:57] Gin     Did they pawn off five years     of memories with Gin-san?! [07:01] Gin     How did you erase all the     time spent with Gin-san?! [07:05] Gin     And worst of all... [07:07] Kin     Now, now. Have a drink,     Gin-san or whatever. [07:10] Kin     We may not be related by blood, [07:12] Kin     but men can form bonds by     having a drink together. [07:15] Kin     If you're having problems, let me know, [07:17] Kin     brother! [07:18] Gin     ...he's a much better main     character than Gin-san! [07:22] Kag     Super, Kin-chan! That's     why I love you! [07:24] Shin     Way to be a man, Kin-san! [07:26] Gin     And he's much better     liked than Gin-san! [07:27] Kin     Well, let's get going. [07:29] Oto     Honestly, he's too nice. [07:31] ---     Don't do anything stupid. [07:32] Kin     Yeah, I'll leave this here to be safe. [07:36] Kin     That'll cover this month's rent. [07:37] Oto     Hold on. I don't charge     this much for rent. [07:42] Kin     Please, you must be getting old. [07:45] Kin     In that case, you might as     well forget about your job [07:48] ---     and go visit a hot spring. [07:54] Oto     Come back in one piece! [07:56] Gin     And he certainly has enough     money to be golden! [08:00] Gin     My eyes! This guy is blinding me! [08:04] Gin     So my dull silver luster was     devoured by his golden shine?! [08:08] Gin     That's why everyone forgot about [08:10] ---     Gin-san and switched to Kin-san?! [08:13] Gin     Seriously?! Are you serious?! [08:14] Gin     Gin-san's given you over     sixty volumes of DVDs! SIGN    Year 1 SIGN    Year 2 Year 1 SIGN    Year 3 Year 2 Year 1 SIGN    Year 4 Year 3 Year 2 Year 1 SIGN    Year 5 Year 4 Year 3 Year 2 Year 1 [08:18] Gin     If you line up sixty volumes of DVDs, [08:19] ---     that's enough room [08:21] ---     for Tamo-san to take a nap! [08:22] Gin     Sleep your heart out! SIGN    Young Jump [08:24] Gin     Meanwhile, that guy's     only been on a single DVD SIGN    Kintama     Bonus DVD [08:26] ---     that came with a volume of manga! [08:27] Gin     You can't even fit Tamo-san's     sunglasses on that! [08:30] Gin     He's still wet behind the ears! [08:32] Gin     Yet, look at the love he's getting. [08:36] Gin     In half a year, while I was gone, [08:39] Gin     he's repainted this city,     this anime, from silver to gold?! [08:43] Kin     So, Bro, about your request... [08:47] Kin     Do you want to punish your wife, [08:49] Kin     or do you want payback     on the other man? [08:52] Kin     Which would you prefer? [08:54] Gin     Neither. [08:55] Kin     Huh? [08:56] Kin     What do you want to do then? [08:58] Gin     Forget about gold and silver! [08:59] Gin     I'm going to paint this town red! [09:03] Gin     Could you help me carry these DVDs? [09:09] Gin     Oh, sorry! [09:10] Gin     The sixty volumes are so heavy     that my hands slipped! [09:13] Gin     You're going to die from the impact [09:15] ---     of sixty volumes of DVDs to your skull! [09:16] Kag     Kin-chan! [09:17] Shin     Hey! What are you doing?! [09:20] Gin     Kochikame VHS tape collection slam! [09:22] Shin     Stop it! [09:22] Gin     If I let him survive, it'll be big trouble! [09:22] Gin     Complete One Piece DVD collection slam! [09:23] Shin     Stop! [09:24] Shi     Hey, stop it! [09:24] Gin     Naruto slam! [09:25] Gin     Bleach slam! [09:28] Shin     Didn't you hear me tell you to stop?! [09:33] Shin     What do you think you're     doing to our Kin-san?! [09:33] ---     Kin-chan! Kin-chan, get up! [09:35] Shin     You're despicable! [09:36] Shin     Kin-san was trying to help     you, a total stranger! [09:39] Kag     Kin-chan! [09:41] Shin     How could you do this to him?! [09:42] Gin     Hold on, Pachi-boy. [09:44] Gin     I'm not a total stranger. [09:47] Shin     Don't call me Pachi-boy! [09:48] Shin     How do you have the nerve? [09:50] Gin     Tell me you're lying, Kagura! [09:53] Gin     This is all an act, right? [09:54] Gin     You're trying to trick me again. [09:57] Kag     Get lost. [09:58] Kag     Never show your face     in this town again. [10:01] Kag     If you come near Kin-chan     again, you'll get it. [10:05] Gin     W-Wait, Shinpachi! Kagura! [10:07] Gin     Who is this Kin-san you     keep talking about?! [10:11] Gin     Didn't the three of us work     together as Odd Jobs?! [10:14] Gin     Are you saying the     sixty volumes of DVDs [10:17] ---     we spent together meant nothing?! [10:20] Shin     What are you talking about? [10:22] Shin     We spent sixty volumes of DVDs [10:26] ---     with Kin-san! [10:36] Shin     A-A samurai? [10:45] Kin     Enough jabbering. [10:47] Kin     Are you in heat, fool? [10:56] Gin     Every episode's been edited! [11:01] Gin     I-Impossible! [11:02] Gin     This is... This is... [11:06] Gin     Wh-Who would have done     an edit job worse [11:09] ---     than To Love-Ru Doki Doki*?!* [11:12] Kyu     You think you can beat the     lightning speed of my sword?! [11:15] Gin     This one, too?! [11:17] Otae     Is he okay? [11:19] Otae     His hair's so wavy. [11:20] Otae     Perhaps he needs help? [11:22] Kyu     No, you should stay away from him. [11:24] Kyu     He might be one of those     wavy-haired con artists. [11:27] Kyu     Let sleeping waves lie. [11:29] Otae     But we can't just ignore him. [11:30] Otae     I know. Let's ask Kin-san for help. [11:33] Kyu     Yes, Kintoki has helped us many times. [11:37] Kyu     He'll know what to do. [11:38] Gin     What's going on? [11:40] Gin     This DVD is also... [11:41] Sa     Guess who? [11:44] Gin     Sa-chan! [11:46] Gin     Do you recognize me? [11:49] Sa     Who are you?! [11:52] Sa     That's odd. I thought he was Kin-san. [11:56] Gin     So this DVD is also... [11:58] Tsu     What do you think? [11:59] ---     This is the Kabuki district, where     Kintoki and his friends live. [12:02] Hino     Oh, it reminds me of Yoshiwara. [12:05] Sei     Right? [12:06] ---     There's strands of torn-out     hair everywhere. [12:08] Gin     And this one! [12:10] Zura     Hurry, Elizabeth! SIGN    Win the Costume Grand Prix!! [12:12] Zura     We've spent six months perfecting [12:13] ---     our techniques to use against Kin-chan! [12:16] Zura     Why would you do that? [12:17] Zura     Cut me some slack! [12:19] Zura     Okay, you pass! [12:20] Gin     I-I haven't just been forgotten. [12:24] Gin     My existence has been wiped     clean from this town, [12:29] ---     from the sixty volumes of DVDs... [12:31] Gin     Sakata Gintoki's accomplishments     and history [12:36] Gin     have been stolen by Sakata Kintoki! [12:49] Gin     Pops, give me another one     so I can forget everything. [12:54] Pop     Honestly, you should     stop for the night. [12:57] Gin     If it's money you're     worried about, don't. [12:59] Gin     You'll forget I was     ever here soon enough. [13:03] Pop     What are you talking about? [13:06] Kin     Give me a hot one, Pops. [13:07] Kin     One for this guy, too. [13:09] Kin     Oh, sir. Thank you. [13:11] Kin     There are times when men have no choice [13:13] ---     but to drink. [13:15] Kin     Right, Bro? [13:17] Kin     What happened? [13:18] Gin     Nothing. [13:20] Gin     I have nothing left. [13:24] Gin     Nothing at all... [13:26] Kin     Did you lose at the tracks? [13:28] Gin     Yeah, something like that. [13:31] Gin     I gambled my life and lost     it all in a single night. [13:35] Kin     A golden horse stole victory     at the very last second? [13:44] Gin     B-Bastard! [13:46] Kin     Calm down, Bro. [13:48] Kin     I bought you a drink     as a peace offering. [13:51] Kin     Sit down and join me. [13:53] Gin     Don't mess with me! [13:58] Kin     I told you to drink. [14:00] Gin     B-Bastard! [14:04] Gin     Who the hell are you?! [14:09] Gin     What did you do to Shinpachi     and everyone else?! [14:11] Kin     I didn't do a thing. [14:13] Kin     Didn't you watch the DVDs? [14:15] Kin     They should have been self-explanatory. [14:17] Gin     Bullshit! I was the one     who did everything! [14:20] Kin     But how can you prove it? [14:23] Kin     You're the only one who believes that. [14:25] Kin     Nobody can even remember you. [14:29] Kin     I can guess what you're thinking. [14:32] Kin     That I'm using illusions     to trick everyone. [14:36] Kin     But there's another way to look at it. [14:38] Kin     You're the one who's gone crazy. [14:41] Kin     Your memories are all delusions. [14:46] Kin     As you watched my success, [14:49] ---     you began to think that you were me. [14:53] Kin     Maybe, as you were watching     those sixty DVD volumes, [14:56] ---     you were fantasizing that     they were about you. [15:00] Gin     That's impossible! [15:01] Kin     But you're the only person in [15:03] ---     this world who thinks that way. [15:05] Kin     Don't you get it? [15:06] Kin     You're the one who's crazy. [15:09] Kin     You're the only one complaining. [15:12] Kin     Weren't you watching? [15:13] Kin     Life goes on just fine without you. [15:17] Kin     I dare say it's going better     than in your fantasy world. [15:22] Kin     That's reality. [15:24] Kin     Nobody's looking at you. [15:27] Kin     Nobody needs you. [15:30] Kin     Because I'm here. [15:32] Kin     There's no place for you here. [15:39] A     Hey, watch where you're going! [15:41] B     Hold it right there! [15:42] A     I told you to wait! [15:43] Gin     Yeah, he's right. [15:46] Mid     Damn drunk! [15:48] Mid     Don't show your face     in this town again! [15:51] Gin     I'm the one who isn't     needed in this world. SIGN    You Will Not Defeat Me! [15:56] Gin     I'm the one who doesn't belong     in a prime time anime. [16:01] A     Sir, time's up. [16:04] B     S-Sir? [16:06] C     Wait, look! [16:07] Mid     B-Boss! [16:10] Gin     I'm burned... [16:12] Gin     Completely burned out... [16:14] Gin     Not gold, not silver... [16:17] Gin     I've been reduced to white ash. SIGN    The End [16:23] A     Don't try to end the show so     you don't have to pay up! [16:26] B     It's not over yet! There's     plenty more to come! [16:29] B     Stand up! [16:30] B     Stand up, bastard! [16:48] Gin     Shut up, dog. [16:50] Gin     Leave me alone. [16:51] Gin     You can ignore a side     character like me. [16:57] Gin     I told you to go away... [17:05] Gin     Sadaharu... [17:15] Gin     Sadaharu, do you recognize me? [17:20] Tama     I found you. [17:22] Tama     The gold hasn't gotten to     one person, one animal, [17:29] Tama     and one machine. [17:32] ---     I've been looking for you, Master Gintoki. [17:37] Gin     Ta-Tama... [17:38] Gin     Why are you... [17:40] Tama     Do not worry. [17:42] Tama     The rest of the world may     have forgotten about you, [17:45] ---     but you will always     remain in my data bank. [17:48] Tama     Because I always hold     the reset button when [17:50] ---     I turn off the power and go to sleep. [17:53] Tama     I'm sure you do the same thing. [17:58] Tama     True, [18:00] ---     your luster may not have     been as bright as gold... [18:03] Tama     You only shined on occasion. [18:08] Tama     You were always arguing and fighting. [18:12] Tama     You had wavy hair. You were lazy. [18:15] Tama     You were the king of sexual harassment. [18:17] Tama     You never paid the rent. [18:19] Tama     You paid your people late. [18:21] Tama     Still, you were brighter than     the fake glint of gold plating. [18:26] Tama     When you were angry, your     entire soul was enraged. [18:29] Tama     When you laughed, you laughed     with all your heart. [18:33] Tama     Your silver was much more beautiful. [18:42] Tama     You haven't forgotten     that light, have you? [18:45] Tama     You haven't allowed that fake     light to trick you, have you? [18:50] Tama     In that case, you should stand     up and take this sword [18:55] Tama     to repaint this world that     has been repainted gold. [19:01] Tama     You will never lose to Sakata Kintoki. SIGN    Kin-chan has your back Odd Jobs Kin-chan [19:04] Tama     You won't lose to a blond.     You won't lose to straight hair. [19:08] Tama     You won't lose to gold. SIGN    Lake Toya [19:10] Tama     Try to remember what     color your soul is. [19:19] Gin     I haven't forgotten. [19:21] Gin     I will never forget. [19:24] Gin     My soul has been colored     by every one of you fools. [19:31] Gin     It's a dirty silver! [19:49] Gin     This isn't over yet. [19:54] Gin     I'm just getting started. SIGN    Gintama Episode 253 Nobody with Straight Blond Hair Can Be That Good SIGN    Nobody with Straight Blond Hair     Can Be That Good [20:12] Gin     We're taking back our color. [20:14] Gin     We're taking down this world of gold! SIGN    Gintama Episode 253     Nobody with Straight Blond Hair     Can Be That Good [20:18] Gin     Let's go! SIGN    Odd Jobs Kin-chan [20:25] Gin     Uh, excuse me. [20:27] Gin     Is Kintoki-kun here? [20:29] Kin     Sorry, I'm taking a bath right now. [20:32] Kin     Could you wait a bit? [20:33] Gin     Oh, it's okay. [20:35] Gin     Then I'll leave this letter     of challenge here. [20:38] Gin     Oh, maybe I should just come back. [20:40] Tama     What are you doing? [20:42] ---     Are you here to fool     around? Are you an idiot? [20:44] Gin     Well, for some reason, it feels awkward [20:46] ---     to step inside my own home, [20:47] Gin     but at the same time, I don't     want to wreck my own place. [20:50] Tama     Come over here. [20:51] ---     Do you believe we can     win without a plan? [20:57] Tama     I'll be blunt. [20:58] ---     The way things stand now, it's     impossible for you to win. [21:01] Gin     Didn't you just say I will never lose? [21:03] Tama     Straight blond hair, honest,     and fairly well-off. [21:07] Tama     How could you ever defeat     someone who has conquered [21:11] ---     every one of your weaknesses? [21:13] Gin     Huh? What? [21:14] Gin     Are you trying to beat my ass [21:16] ---     or tear my rectum out of my ass? [21:18] ---     Which is it? [21:19] Tama     I'm beating your ass with your rectum. [21:21] Tama     Start by reading this. [21:23] Tama     You must know your enemy     before you can start a war. [21:27] Gin     An instruction manual?     Are you serious? SIGN    Instruction Manual Confidential [21:30] Gin     How am I supposed to find     information about him in here? [21:32] Gin     He's not a plastic model. [21:37] Kin     Sorry to keep you waiting. [21:40] Kin     I was washing my head. [21:45] Kin     Huh? Nobody's here? [21:49] Tama     Yes, Sakata Kintoki was created [21:52] ---     by Gengai-sama at the request of [21:54] Tama     Shinpachi-sama and Kagura-sama     as a substitute Odd Jobs leader. [21:58] Tama     A perfect Sakata Gintoki who     had overcome his weaknesses. SIGN    Ginpla Collection Perfect Kintoki [22:06] Tama     The Perfect Super Golden Alloy,     Sakata Gintoki Unit 02. [22:10] Tama     Or Kin-san, for short. SIGN    To be continued... SIGN    Kintoki and Gintoki [23:46] Kin     Next time on Kintama: [23:47] Kin     Kintoki and Gintoki.